I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
