Can i not drive my cunt home
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
