I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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