Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
