She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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