I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
