I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize