the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
