I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
