I am spending my child support on dildos
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
