I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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