I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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