i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I look better un-naked...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize