That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
