Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
