SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
