If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
