Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
