Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
