someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
