how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
