im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
