i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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