it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
