She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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