There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
