found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
