Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
