saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
