Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
