You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
