I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Randomize
