you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
