Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
