So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
