sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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