WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
