PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
