i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
