Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
MIDGETS
????
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
