ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
