It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
