If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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