I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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