I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
