my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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