I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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