I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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