i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
