So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
