Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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