At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
