wakey wakey hands off snakey
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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