My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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