I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize