I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize