What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
