In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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