he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
