a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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