i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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