I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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